“Anarcho-Punk” Swims Most of E. River, Returns Naked, Filthy

“Anarcho-Punk” Swims Most of E. River, Returns Naked, Filthy

AP - ASTORIA, NY

            A self-professed “Anarcho-punk” skinny dipped the majority of the East River on Friday. He told the Associated Press he “did it for punk rock.”

Following the monthly environmental protest bike ride Critical Mass, numerous participants gathered by the rocks of Socrates Sculpture Park in a post ride party. Apparently, a number of which opted to strip naked and take a swim in the river. “I saw like maybe ten dudes and a couple girls too, they all got naked and jumped in the water.” said Billy Beer, a 28 year old Critical Mass rider and “revolutionary.” “I said to my friend, dude, we gotta go see what this is all about. It was cool, it’s really bad ass if you think about it, that water is, well it’s pretty gross.”

One swimmer, who was only identified as Jon decided to see if he could make it from the banks of Socrates to nearby Roosevelt Island. “He was just sort of sitting there hanging out when me and a friend or two came over to him. I think he could have been on something because he was really staring at that water.” Said Danielle “Tiny Fists” Rivera, “and all of a sudden we see these people jumping in the river, and we figure, ‘hey Jon’s wasted, I bet he’d do it.’ We said, ‘hey - do it for punk rock!’”

He reportedly swam out towards Roosevelt Island but did turn around once it became clear the currents could prove dangerous. “Actually there was a minute we thought the whole Hell’s Gate currents would take him,” said Harvey Stevens, 29, who calls himself a nomad tattooist “I’ve seen some crazy shit in my time but that guy is always taking it to the next level. When he got out of the river ass naked he was covered in some sludge man! Who the hell knows what kinda Ninja Turtles ooze is up in that water. If he goes and like grows another arm and shit, you’ll know why.”

Critical Mass bike rides occur on the last Friday of every month. They are a protest against petroleum and in favor of more bicycle travel. Riders stop traffic along their root from Union Square to a different location each week. Critics of the Iraq War are prevalent in the protests and draw a connection between our dependence on oil and the 2003 invasion. Time’s Up, the environmental organization based in the Lower East Side which sponsors Critical Mass said in a statement that they did not sponsor the after party. “I guess people are free to do whatever they want in a safe environment, though. But seriously, what 3,000 people participated in that ride in a show that bikes are in fact traffic. We’ve got wars for oil going on; ending war means ending the oil economy and Friday’s ride was one of our most successful in years.” Said Bill DePalo, the founder of the organization. “Punk rockers are going to do some outrageous stuff, good for them.”

Jon, sitting on a bench in Tompkins Square Park said he had some recollection of the event on Friday but that the idea that he’d commit a stunt such as swimming in the river is completely viable. “Look, I may have been tripping… I guess sometimes I let things get out of hand, but hey, up the punks right?”

Asked if he’d ever do it again he laughed. “Next month I think the ride is ending in Brooklyn Bridge Park, let’s see what happens.”